“Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus.” Garrison Keillor
So the other night during an adult sleepover I had with a gentleman I’ve been talking to the past couple weeks, I realized that things were not working out. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t base how successful a relationship is going to be on sex, but hey, there has to be something there right? Like I’ve said, it’s been a few weeks now and literally nothing has changed.
The first night we did anything, we went all the way. It just got to a point where all our clothes were off and we got tired of watching Netflix.
So lets call this guy… Mark.
The first night Mark and I hung out he came over to a local bar and we just talked and got to know each other. Mark was incredibly attractive, had the body of a god, and super sweet as well. Mark then drove me home which then resulted in a 45 minute make out session. It was nice but kissing is only fun for so long, and I purposely didn’t shave my legs that night so I wouldn’t have sex with him, and preventing myself from what some people call “giving the wrong impression.”
About a week later we hung out again at his house and planned for a more relaxed night, I showed up in sweat pants, a t-shirt, and shaved legs ready for some action. Sure enough we did the deed. Just like any first time with a new guy, it was awkward, nerve racking. It was also on his leather couch which created a lot of not so sexy noises. Once everything was done I laid with him on the couch. Now I believe I mentioned this earlier but let me just say it again… Mark is straight up one of the hottest guys I’ve ever talk to. His body is absolutely perfect, his lips are perfect, his “manhood” is perfect. He was physically everything I have ever been attracted to, but when I thought about the sex… It was not exactly what I was expecting. So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried it again, once again it was just the same as the first time. Trying to make this relationship work I kept giving the sex more and more chances and every time I was more disappointed.
I don’t get it, how could a guy so beautiful be so… awful in bed. So, I did some thinking and realize what exactly was the problem.
The problem with our sex wasn’t him, well actually, it was. However, the problem was how he meshed with me, which was not at all. It wasn’t until I had hooked up with someone else after our relationship failed that I realized how important it is to have an understanding of what pleases you and what turns you on during sex.
I actually was happy that my hook up had none of the little quirks Mark did. It’s sad to say but it was the little things like Mark stopping sex to ask me “baby, what position do you want to do?” I’ll be honest, I’m not a big position person, I can laugh at the stupid names like the Eiffel tower. When you focus on the position and actually plan out what you’re doing next then it seems like we’re playing some sort of sport practicing plays. Using technical position names during sex or stopping sex to take the time to get into those positions just makes everything seemed forced. I prefer the more primal, animal like using one word to communicate type of sex. I don’t by any means ban dirty talk but just it to a minimum. It’s just like guys who want to sit and analyze and replay everything that happened once sex is done. Especially when guys point out something you did during sex, come one now, who acts rationally during the heat of the moment?
Another thing Mark did that drove me crazy (and not in a good way) was go about sex like a jack hammer… He’d go as fast and has hard as he could. Now I am fully aware that certain movements have a different response to everyone, but unless you’re about to finish, when a girl says “slow down” slow the fuck down. The worst was when I would be bent over in front of him. I have never had sex that was so painful (once again, NOT in a good way). It was like the inside of me was being punched out. I would try and pull away to and he never picked up on the hint. I also know a few of the tricks to try and gain control of what happens and even on top he could not understand what I was going for.
The last night we had sex, while I laid in his bed i realized that this was it. It would never get any better, it’s trying on a shoe that doesn’t fit. You can’t really do much to change it except find a new size, or in this scenario a new person. However, this brings up a problem that I have now noticed I’ve had over and over again. It seems like now matter what, if I find a guy that is my type of boyfriend material, then the sex is bad. However, when the sex is really good, it’s with someone I have little to no interest dating. It’s a rather confusing problem, you think sexual attraction would come with a guy that you’re wanting to date, but for me it’s rarely the case.
I’m rather curious if anyone else has this problem. It also makes me wonder how it feels to be on the other side of this situation. Does the person who is providing terrible sex realize they’re doing it? It can’t possibly feel much better for them. Finally, how do you break it to them that you’re going to end things because you’re kind of a slutty person and you high expectations that they’re not reaching.
Sorry, but I’m not sorry fellas.