It’s not you… Well yeah, it kind of is.

“Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus.” Garrison Keillor

So the other night during an adult sleepover I had with a gentleman I’ve been talking to the past couple weeks, I realized that things were not working out.  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t base how successful a relationship is going to be on sex, but hey, there has to be something there right?  Like I’ve said, it’s been a few weeks now and literally nothing has changed.  

The first night we did anything, we went all the way.  It just got to a point where all our clothes were off and we got tired of watching Netflix.

So lets call this guy… Mark. 

The first night Mark and I hung out he came over to a local bar and we just talked and got to know each other.  Mark was incredibly attractive, had the body of a god, and super sweet as well.  Mark then drove me home which then resulted in a 45 minute make out session.  It was nice but kissing is only fun for so long, and I purposely didn’t shave my legs that night so I wouldn’t have sex with him, and preventing myself from what some people call “giving the wrong impression.”

About a week later we hung out again at his house and planned for a more relaxed night, I showed up in sweat pants, a t-shirt, and shaved legs ready for some action.  Sure enough we did the deed.  Just like any first time with a new guy, it was awkward, nerve racking.  It was also on his leather couch which created a lot of not so sexy noises.  Once everything was done I laid with him on the couch.  Now I believe I mentioned this earlier but let me just say it again…  Mark is straight up one of the hottest guys I’ve ever talk to.  His body is absolutely perfect, his lips are perfect, his “manhood” is perfect.  He was physically everything I have ever been attracted to, but when I thought about the sex… It was not exactly what I was expecting.  So, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried it again, once again it was just the same as the first time.  Trying to make this relationship work I kept giving the sex more and more chances and every time I was more disappointed.  

I don’t get it, how could a guy so beautiful be so… awful in bed.  So, I did some thinking and realize what exactly was the problem. 

The problem with our sex wasn’t him, well actually, it was.   However, the problem was how he meshed with me, which was not at all.  It wasn’t until I had hooked up with someone else after our relationship failed that I realized how important it is to have an understanding of what pleases you and what turns you on during sex.  

I actually was happy that my hook up had none of the little quirks Mark did.  It’s sad to say but it was the little things like Mark stopping sex to ask me “baby, what position do you want to do?”  I’ll be honest, I’m not a big position person, I can laugh at the stupid names like the Eiffel tower.  When you focus on the position and actually plan out what you’re doing next then it seems like we’re playing some sort of sport practicing plays.  Using technical position names during sex or stopping sex to take the time to get into those positions just makes everything seemed forced.  I prefer the more primal, animal like using one word to communicate type of sex.  I don’t by any means ban dirty talk but just it to a minimum.  It’s just like guys who want to sit and analyze and replay everything that happened once sex is done.  Especially when guys point out something you did during sex, come one now, who acts rationally during the heat of the moment?

Another thing Mark did that drove me crazy (and not in a good way) was go about sex like a jack hammer… He’d go as fast and has hard as he could.  Now I am fully aware that certain movements have a different response to everyone, but unless you’re about to finish, when a girl says “slow down” slow the fuck down.  The worst was when I would be bent over in front of him.  I have never had sex that was so painful (once again, NOT in a good way).  It was like the inside of me was being punched out.  I would try and pull away to and he never picked up on the hint.  I also know a few of the tricks to try and gain control of what happens and even on top he could not understand what I was going for.  

The last night we had sex, while I laid in his bed i realized that this was it.  It would never get any better, it’s trying on a shoe that doesn’t fit.  You can’t really do much to change it except find a new size, or in this scenario a new person.  However, this brings up a problem that I have now noticed I’ve had over and over again.  It seems like now matter what, if I find a guy that is my type of boyfriend material, then the sex is bad.  However, when the sex is really good, it’s with someone I have little to no interest dating.  It’s a rather confusing problem, you think sexual attraction would come with a guy that you’re wanting to date, but for me it’s rarely the case.  

I’m rather curious if anyone else has this problem.  It also makes me wonder how it feels to be on the other side of this situation.  Does the person who is providing terrible sex realize they’re doing it?  It can’t possibly feel much better for them.  Finally, how do you break it to them that you’re going to end things because you’re kind of a slutty person and you high expectations that they’re not reaching.  

Sorry, but I’m not sorry fellas.  

 

So wait, I don’t actually blow on it?

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush

Okay I have no idea if she really said that but it made me giggle a bit.

Anyway, sorry I’ve been gone you won’t believe how busy life gets, or maybe you will whatever.

This post today is brought you to by the letters B and J.  Yes this post is all about blowjobs, giving head, going down… or my favorite “slobbing on the knob.”

Am I the only one who thinks the name is a little confusing?  The whole act of it is kind of confusing.  It’s like there is so much space down there you gotta cover and get to and so little mouth.  Also screw those bitches with the big lips, how am I supposed to compete with that.  Unfortunately God gave me giant ass front teeth that make it really hard to not drag along.  Somehow with lots of practice I feel like I’m kind of getting the gist of things.

Its amazing when I think about oral sex.  Does anyone feel like a blowjob can be super casual but when a guy makes his way down south on a lady it’s special.  I know that’s how it is for me.  Whenever it’s time to take the next step when things get physical my go to move is giving head.  It soon just becomes something that happens every time to get things going.  What I think is really neat though is that for some couples it’s not like that.  A blowjob is kind of a gift the guy gets for good behavior.  That’s probably one of my favorite aspects of sex is that different acts of sex can have such a different meaning from person to person.

Another really cool thing to think about is the attitudes towards who should initiate a blowjob.  I know quite a few ladies who get really offended when a guy starts to push her head down that direction.   Personally if I’ve been with the guy before and he’s doing that I take it as a compliment.  One thing that does get on my nerves though is when things get a little hot and heavy and next thing you know he is being shoved down my throat.  It’s like “come on dude, I came down here willingly, at least let me breathe a little!”  The worst is when they get into it and they’re asking you the dirty questions trying to start up some dirty talk.  You know, the questions like “you like sucking on that c*ck” and so on.  Its like being at the dentist, your mouth is completely full (and possibly your throat) and he wants to know how your summer has been.  I’ve always been really tempted to let him know what I’m really thinking.  It’d be interesting to respond back with “well actually I have a cold and my nose is all stopped up and I literally can’t breathe” or “do you realize how much my jaw is hurting from trying not to drag my teeth.”

I feel like since we’re on this topic we can’t ignore blowjob week that the lucky guys get once a month.  Lets just take a moment and applaud the girls who provide that kind service to their fellas.  Personally… I say screw that.  It’s not really a “I can’t have any action so you can’t either” thing.  It’s just that when it’s that time of month, I’m probably angry at the world, battling horribly cramps, and also ready to cry.  It’s just not the type of mood that puts me in the giving mood.  Also if I decide to give a guy anything that means my mouth is filled with something other than junk food so that’s a HUGE problem. 🙂

What really amazes me though is how much my guy friends complain about how bad a blowjob was.  I literally want to slap them.  GUYS, girls know that we don’t know what it feels like.  However if we’re feeling generous enough to stick your dick in our mouths, shut the hell up!  we could have just not do it and let you see which is worse, our mouth or your hand.  Now before any guys get offended I will call my lady friends out on something the do.  Unfortunately I have friends who not only complain to their boyfriend about giving head, but complain while they’re doing it!  Talk about a boner killer.  At least pretend to be enthusiastic about it.  I get it, it’s not exactly comfortable, but it’s really not that bad.   Plus we should do things to please our partners not only ourselves.

Also it doesn’t have to be just a one sided thing.  There are other options, I believe the dirty number 69 comes to mind.  I wish I could go into this more but 69ing is just not my thing.  It’s kind of always felt weird to me.  It’s probably because of how I feel less comfortable I am with receiving oral, but the position itself just seems a little unnatural.  You know what I’m saying?

So in a nutshell… Guys, be patient, don’t bitch, and share the love.  Girls… don’t bitch, don’t drag your teeth, and good luck with that gag reflex. 🙂

Also I would love to hear my readers tips or advice that they have on this subject!

porn

“Cookies and porn are better when they’re homemade”

Am I the only girl who is letting pornography and really just any naked girl intimidate me?

Okay that’s a rhetorical question, I know I’m not… right?

Yes yes I know,  guys don’t sit there all the time and compare what they watch to what they’e actually getting… at least I’m going to sit and hope that is true.  However, or at least in my experience, guys tend to let out dumb little comments that tend to just bury themselves inside my head and fuck up everything.

I will use my Monday night as an example.  A guy I’ve been talking to invites me up for the night   So after our personal style of greeting each other and all that jazz.  We sit down on his couch and turn on some movies.  In my eyes, he is completely out of my league.  Why he has me over or even enjoys me staying after sex is beyond me but he does so I’m trying my hardest to not be completely overwhelmed by anything sexual in the movies or on tv.

I know what you’re thinking.  This is all on me, I’m self-conscious.  Yes I am, I’m a girl, I’m not a size 0… instead I have curves, I’m clumsy, I’m everything that can easily add up to a total social disaster.  So yeah, that’s where that comes from, anyway… back to my story.

So he and I are sitting on his couch and we turned on Seven Psychopaths… Great movie by the way!  In the movie there is a scene where they’re trying to develop a story behind one of the psychopaths and the scene which is shown a few times involves a skinny/muscular girl, only in lacy panties and heels.   As the movie goes on it repeats this scene once again.  There she is… tall as hell, skinny as fuck, and great boobs.  Then it’s like everything turned into slow motion.  He simply says “damn, she’s hot”.

I can’t imagine that this one little statement went through any filter as it made its way from his mind to his mouth but it sure as hell hurt.

I giggle it off.  Then immediately shut down.  Now obviously I have a questions about this whole scenario.

1) If I had responded what exactly would the most appropriate response be.

2) If he had put any thought into what he said, what exactly was the purpose behind saying this.

3) What benefit does he think I’m getting out of knowing that the lady on the tv is giving him a boner.

After thinking about this a few nights I found myself thinking about when guys watch porn and what their thoughts/reactions are to what they’re really getting.  Like I mentioned above I know that some guys, hell probably majority of guys are not sitting there comparing what they’re watching to whats in front of them but it makes me wonder.  So I did a little bit of research to try and calm my irrational fears.  I was more or less looking for an answer or advice to help make my guy’s sexual experience with me more like what they enjoy watching.  While doing so my research kind of went into the direction of couples who make their own pornography.  This then brought me across a really interesting article going over 6 reasons why homemade porn is a bad idea.  Now I have nothing against couples who make their own stuff.  In fact, I actually find it more arousing than watching some skinny bitch, with fake boobs, fake hair, and nasty make up moaning like… I don’t even know what to compare their moaning to, all the extra stuff and fake bullshit in some porn becomes just too distracting.

One of the reasons that they pointed out I had never really thought about and it actually makes quite a bit of sense.  Sex in porn is not real sex, or at least not what we consider to be real.

Just this reason alone completely opened my eyes!

Of course!  The reason I can’t provide the same experience that those lovely clips do from offline is because they’re not really doing it the way “typical” couples do.  It pointed out that if we were to try and hold the positions that they do for the amount of time to where it becomes pleasurable that our bodies will most likely tire out because we don’t sit and practice them all the time.  I’m not saying that this applies to anyone else, but I know that it sure does for me!

Another thing it pointed out about not being like real sex is the fact that once a scene is filmed it is edited, one of the things that is edited the most is the sounds that are picked up on camera.  Did you know that there are guys who actually work to make sure that the sex sounds…. sexy?

I know I can’t be the only person who feels super awkward by some of the sounds our bodies make during sex, and I always told myself that our sex would be so much sexier with out those sounds.  I wondered how in the hell pornos managed to never catch them.  Well after doing some reading I learned how much they actually changed them to make sure that the film/clip/whatever you choose to call it is hotter.

If you get a chance watch this video, it’s in some language that’s not english but you’ll get the point.  It’s not dirty either just demonstrates what is put into making a porno.

http://acidcow.com/video/17348-how_porn_sound_effects_are_made.html

After this and realizing how much effort has to be put into making that perfect sex scene I completely understand why my sex isn’t like what I’m watching, and why it will never be like that.  I’m just hoping that guys I’m with know that too…

I love to please but hey… A girl can only do so much!

A little enthusiasm please?

“My dick didn’t seem to be aware that she was there. She kept asking me what was wrong, and I was so out of it that I thought she meant what was wrong with the world, so I started talking about global poverty and shit. I’m not surprised she left. I suspect she won’t be coming back.”  – Nikki Sixx, The Heroin Diaries:  A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star Growing up I always heard of men falling asleep during sex.  My goal when I first started having sex was to be the best I can possibly be.  Now that I have sex on a semi-regular basis, it still is my goal.  Part of my goal is to ensure that sex is so good that no man could ever fall asleep.  Recently I have failed at that… and last night was possibly failing at that again. I’m a people pleaser, when it comes to sex, nothing turns me on more than knowing that I turn on the guy that I’m with. Since I’m a person who aims to please I often do my fair share of research of making sure I know all the best tricks.  I also put all of my energy into paying attention into how my guy reacts.  In fact, I put so much into sex, that it can be come quite exhausting when it’s finally over with. Long story short… I put a hell of a lot of work into giving a guy a good time. However, I am fully aware that I don’t know everything.  Who the hell does? Isn’t it the thought that counts though? Dear fellas, and any ladies who are guilty of this as well.  Can those of us who work our ass off to make sure that every time we have sex is the best time of your life get a little bit of appreciation?!?! Last night I was with a guy who I have kind of been seeing for a bit.  Now this guy can last for quite a bit, which can be a very good thing, and it also can be the absolutely awful.  So last night was one of those nights where lasting for ever was not the best. I’m sure some people are sitting in their chair reading this saying “who the fuck do you think you are?” Just give me a minute to explain myself.  I don’t expect to get every guy off super fast.  However if  we get going for over about a half hour and then I’m not seeing my guy enjoy it, I start to get worried.  Which then if you have any understanding of what distractions do a woman’s “mood” well… Then you know how that works out.  So once I get worried, then I’m not enjoying it anymore.  Which means I need to focus harder, and when I realize that I’m still failing then I start getting a little discouraged.  Which then leads to me getting frustrated, which evolves into me being pissed off.  So do we see the problem here? Alright, now back to the story.  So the last time we hooked up, he did quite a bit of the work, not that I was being lazy but it was nice.  On my way up I decided that I wanted to change things up and let him relax and I take over.  Well everything was going really well, I was on top, both of us were enjoying it, and then I noticed that he’s not reacting as much as I’d like him to.  So I try a few different things…  Then I stop a minute and take some time to asses the situation. He didn’t even notice that I stopped.  His breathing started slowing down and getting really heavy.  I could see what was going on here.  I knew that he went out all weekend so I wanted to be considerate and let him rest if that’s what he wanted.  So I asked him.  He tells me no, it feels good, so I keep going.  Then he starts to get into it again and things are great.  Next thing I know it looks like he’s back asleep. How do I know what it looks like when he’s asleep?  Probably because one night after we came back from the bar, he asked me to go down on him.  As I do I make sure to pull out all my tricks.  As I keep going I realize he’s getting softer and softer.  Next thing I know, the drunk bastard is passed out. So I have been down this road a few times with him… Now once again back to the story. What did I do the second time I realized he was falling asleep again?  I stopped and tried to thinking of what I could do to get things hot again.  I literally had ran through my entire play book.  So I woke him up and asked him if he still wanted me to keep going.  He says yes without any form of enthusiasm at all.  I finally built up the courage and called him out.  He explains to me that no he’s not sleeping, he’s just “enjoying” it.  Whatever  you want to call it, it looks like you’re bored, and I feel defeated. How do I avoid making my partner feel like this you ask? Well it’s quite simple.  Let us know we’re doing the job, no matter who you are.  Girls, we definitely got to let our partners know where the right spots are.  Guys, we don’t know how exactly your “stuff” works so tell us.  Now I’m not saying yell as loud as you can or moan like they do in porn, but come on, a little bit of noise is sexy.  Hell spank me if you want, just give me some kind of clue. What if you’re actually just tired and kind of ready to get it over with? Yes I understand we all get tired, we all drink a little to much, and we all get a little worn out.  However, try to be a little more considerate.  Listen, I don’t mind you telling me you need a break or it’s just not going to happen.  I’d rather hear that then you let me keep trying.  It’s not a bad thing either, I might be tired as well.  Plus there are ton of things that we could do which would lead us right back to where we left off. I want anyone who has sex to me to view it as an enjoyable experience, not some miserable waste of his life.  So if it’s just bad sex, then say something.  I’m always wiling to learn something new. 😉

Friends with benefits… minus the friend.

 

“What exactly does that expression mean, “friends with benefits?” Does he provide her with health insurance?” – Sheldon Cooper

 

Call it whatever you choose to but I guarantee that majority of people have had some sort of fwb relationship or even just a casual hook up buddy.

Say what you will about it, but I think that they’re fantastic!

I also disagree with people who think that all friends with benefits relationships end up with someone liking the other person.  NOT TRUE AT ALL!

Yes this is a common outcome, but that is because those people don’t follow the rules that you should set before getting into this type of relationship.

 

I have had multiple relationships like this… sadly I’ve had  more committed relationships to fuck buddies than I have had actual boyfriends.  So I feel as if I’m kind of a pro in this area.  Yes majority of mine don’t involve friendship at first but I think that if two people really are friends then whatever they feel for each other started before the sex happened.

It’s really magical when you find the perfect partner for this.  My absolute favorite hook up was a man we will call… Mark!

Mark was cool, I met him online.  He came over to meet up with me for a bit and then next thing you know our clothes are off (seems to happen quite often to me).  Mark was also hot as hell, he worked with a landscaping company as one of the higher ups with it, but still did the dirty work.  Ladies anytime you meet a guy who works in landscaping, just take him right then and there, because chances are his body shows it!  Anyway, we developed the type of relationship where we only texted each other if we wanted to hook up.  There was this unwritten rule for some reason where the weekend meant we were off limits to one another… I couldn’t tell you why or how we got to that but it was just understood by both of us and frankly, I was okay with it.  So usually during the week I’d get a text in my class asking me when I had some free time.  So I’d clear off about 40 minutes and he’d come up and we did our thing and then he’d leave.  No cuddling, no awkward post-sex conversations, nothing more than a “thanks, I had fun, have a good day.”  We never really discussed much, other than asking how the other was doing.  I think the longest conversation we ever had was about what we were doing.  He asked if I was okay with it, I told him I was more than okay with it, he agreed.   I actually haven’t talked to him or seen him now for about 2 months.   I’m assuming he’s off to other things, who knows…  Who cares right?  It was fun while it lasted.

I have a great appreciation for people who can pull off things like that.  Anymore, I always meet guys who don’t want a relationship but have no clue how to do a proper hook up.  At least my idea of proper.

What makes a proper hook up or fuck buddy one might ask?  Well here are just a few of my rules.

  1. Do not stay the night.  I do not ever stay the night or any extra amount of time with a guy that I’m only hooking up with.  I come over for sex, I get sex, and I leave.  When you stay around and get to know the person that is when shit hits the fan.
  2. Do not talk or try for any conversation that doesn’t need to happen.  Now I’m not saying don’t ask how their day is going or what not.  I’m talking about the “oh I’m kind of bored right now what are you doing” text when all you want to know is how they’re doing.  There is nothing wrong with a little bit of small talk but it’s kind of like the spending time with them thing.  Once you get too much of it then you’re most likely going to develop feelings for that person.
  3. Don’t be facebook friends.  If you’re already facebook friends then don’t up and delete them, but if all you guys are doing is having sex do you really need to add them and see what they’re doing?  No… no you do not.
  4. Keep your lives fairly private.  Okay this is just common sense.  If you only want someone half way involved in your life then don’t open the doorway to the rest of  your life.  All you need to know about one another is if he/she has any diseases, and what both of you like during sex.
  5. Be shallow.   I find that it’s easier to go about relationships like this when the only thing that is attractive about this person is their looks.  Don’t be searching for someone who is like you personality wise… Actually, don’t worry about their personality at all.   Avoiding any real feelings for that person is so much easier when you realize that you two are totally incompatible.   For example, Mark was super hot… but incredibly stupid, sometimes I would be amazed by how dumb he was(probably still is).

Yes, these rules are not necessary and do not apply to every type of casual sex friendship, but I find that they make things MUCH easier.  The minute one of them gets broke, I immediately get confused.  The staying the night thing is actually a big one with me.   I find that when you allow someone to stay the night you’re allowing them in on something that I tend to keep very private.  The morning ritual.  Now you might laugh but when you think about it, it makes sense, or at least it does to me.  When I think about waking up in the morning, I am easily at my most vulnerable/unattractive state.  I rarely am able to think clearly when I wake up, so I’m usually not 100% aware of how awful I look.  Also I am super paranoid about my breath smelling bad.  I know for a fact that I snore, sometimes drool(don’t lie to yourself everyone has that happen).  Also I hate the idea of think I’m sleeping in someway where I look like I have 15 chins.  So in my head whenever I allow someone to stay with me I’m basically saying “Hey, I like you, and I’m going to trust that you like me enough that you’re not going to judge me when I wake up.”   Yes, I’m sure that guys don’t put nearly as much thought into it… or really anyone, I know I tend to be a little neurotic sometimes.  So when I’m asked to stay the night, to me I’m really being asked if I’m okay with letting my fuck buddy into that intimate part of my life.  As for the talking aspect of it.  I’m a very blunt person.  If I don’t want someone in my life then I don’t keep them in my life.  So if I only want someone in my life for only sex, then I don’t try for anything else.   I like to keep everything cut and dry, why complicate things when they’re actually very simple?

In my eyes, relationships like these are also very productive.  Whenever I’m hooking up with one of my “friends” I always use them to try new tricks I’ve picked up.  Granted everyone is different, and everyone is going to like different things.  However, you can see if you’re doing good at it, if you should just give it up, or maybe you’re not doing it quite right.  Casual sex is kind of like practice for real relationships where you got to make sure you can keep your significant other satisfied.

One last comment before I put an end to this blog.  As I mentioned above those are simply my rules and can be used for you if you’d like but it’s better to find your own.  Think of things that you’d only let a boyfriend, or a guy you like do.  Then base your rules off of those.  For example, my don’t stay the night rule, as I explained, I based that on my feelings towards letting someone see myself in the morning.  So say that making eye contact during sex is something that you do when you actually like someone, make sure that you make a point then to avoid eye contact.  Also don’t be afraid to set these boundaries when you’re getting started in your friends with benefits relationship.   It’s better to be open and honest up front then getting into something that will soon turn awkward fast.

Well now that I’ve shared my bit on that… take my advice and go run with it.

Enjoy 🙂

Log In for Love

“I turn on my computer. I wait patiently as it connects. I go online. My breath catches in my chest until I hear 3 little words, “You’ve got mail.” I hear nothing…. Just the beat of my own heart. I have mail…from you.” – Meg Ryan (You’ve Got Mail)

In a world where the internet is no longer something that you could only use if your parents weren’t expecting a call, things are becoming a little more convenient.  We can pay bills online, apply to schools, shop for whatever our heart desires, keep up with our friends and family, learn new information, and find our true love?

Before you make any judgement on internet dating, think back to what the general public’s idea of it used to be.  When I was younger my friends and I would go onto yahoo, look at the personal s and laugh whenever we saw people we knew.  I remember that if you were online dating then clearly you were desperate and you would only find other desperate losers like you online as well.

Now I’m grown up, I drink, I have sex, I’m basically an adult, and I have a WHOLE new understanding on this now.

I was never the little girl who sat around and knew that by the time I left high school I was going to find my prince charming.  I was girl who was too cool for high school and knew that any guy I dated was only until I got to college and then I’d meet some well educated gentleman, who’d sweep me off my feet.  Well it turns out that we shouldn’t make our expectations based on all the 90s teen/college movies that we watch.  When I got to college I learned that those well educated really smart guys don’t date.  Those guys are the guys who never leave their room because they’re studying… that’s why they’re so smart.  Plus if you can get them to leave their room or let you in, you find out they’re probably completely inexperienced in another area.

So, once you learn the hard way that those guys don’t exist, then you start to adapt and discover all the other sort of men there are.  In the process of adapting I realized that absolutely none of these guys are what I’m looking for.  I honestly can’t tell you what it is I look for in a guy, but as all girls and I’m sure this is the same for guys as well, you definitely know what you’re not looking for.

So once I started going out in college to the house parties I also learned another lesson.  The longest anything is ever going to last with the guy who you grinded with in the dirty house with the shitty music last night is until the next morning, when you sneak out of his room, or finally kick him out of yours.  Not my ideal romance.

Realizing that my only way of meeting new people were my classes and parties, I started to feel a little defeated.  Then I finally gave in and joined the crowd looking for love online.

My first dating site was zoosk.  I talked to 4 guys on there, 2 of which I dated for about a month.  Those two guys were very sweet, and great boyfriends but just we’re for me.  The other two never really went anywhere, I dated one for a bit and the other one turned into a fwb.   Zoosk was good however you can only send one message to someone if you’re not a member.  Usually the first message is something like “Hi, you seem cool, I’m not a member so here’s my number.”  I’d actually use my email, really you just needed something to make sure that you could talk beyond that.

Along with zoosk I joined okcupid.  Which I really enjoyed, okcupid give you percentages on people you’re looking at.  You get a romance one, a friend one, and an enemy one.  Now obviously you weren’t forced to talk to people that it claimed you’d like but it helped give you an idea of people you wouldn’t get along with.  Also it includes a lot of questions you can answer you can get to know a bit more about the other person.

Since I wasn’t seeming to have any luck on those two I also joined plenty of fish, or POF.  POF isn’t really as involved as okcupid with trying to match you up.  There are test you can take with them so you try and see who works with you, but in my experience it just doesn’t work out like that.

Of course I am still single, but call me crazy, I still check all three of my accounts every day, hoping that maybe I’ll have some new message from my future husband or I’ll come across him.

Now despite all the positives you hear about online dating and the nice fancy commercials they have on tv, it still can be scary.  Don’t worry, I’m here to clear this all up for you!

I’m too young to looking for marriage, why would I need online dating?

  • Well most sites now give you the option to say what you’re looking for.  Even if you’re only looking for friends!  You can say whether you want commitment or not, whether you’re looking for just sex, or maybe something a bit more than that.  You can even say if you’re only looking for someone on the side if you’re already involved with someone else.

Aren’t there going to be a lot of weirdos on there?

  • Yes, you will meet your creepers…  You will meet quite a few of them, but you will also meet some really sweet people who are just wanting to be up front and honest and who are just trying to do the same thing you are.  Plus it’s not like house parties and bars are creep free as well. 

I’m not sure if online dating is for me…

  • Okay, unless you’re totally against meeting people online, or you have no idea how to use a computer… ONLINE DATING CAN BE FOR EVERYONE!  Do you know how many sites are out there?  There are sites for black people, jewish people, christian people, farmers, fetish people, people in prison, married couples looking for extras, married people looking for affairs, only beautiful people(i’m not kidding look it up), ugly people, really tall people, really short people… There is literally a dating site for any type of person.


I know those were my three main concerns when I first tried online dating so I hope that if they’re yours then I have straightened that out for you.  Now for some online dating Dos and Don’ts.

DO

  • Put up at least one real picture of you, make it a good one of you smiling or having fun, guys this is mainly directed towards you.  Those awkward “I’m trying to sneak a picture of me so it’s at a weird angle and I look angry” pictures are such a turn off for me.  I understand if you don’t want to post up pictures with your friends in them but at least crop yourself out.  Give us something nice to look at.  Also make sure it’s not more than a year old.
  • Do write what you’re looking for on your page.  Don’t be afraid to sound like a picky bitch.
  • Be a picky bitch.  It’s totally acceptable to write someone off because you don’t find their pictures attractive.  Yeah, it’s shallow and not very nice but hey, I’m young, I’m in no hurry to get married, I’m going to take my time.
  • When you meet someone, discuss how you’re going to say you met each other if you both are asked… It’s always awkward if one person is okay with saying you met online and the other is not.

DON’T

  • Don’t be offended if a person views your page but doesn’t respond to your message.  Move on, do not write them mean messages, they’ll want to talk to you even less then and you’ll probably get blocked.
  • Don’t lie… people do online dating because it’s easy, everything is supposed to be up front and out there.  Do you know how many guys I’ve met up with only to find out they have a girlfriend?!?!? Oh, and my favorite of guys putting they’re looking for a relationship because girls like that are more fun for casual sex…. REALLY?!?!?
  • Don’t post all your information out there though.  This isn’t a safety thing either.  Your dating profile should be like you’re a book and that is the back side summary for the person viewing it. If you and another person decide to meet up you still should get to have fun learning each other on more personal level.
  • Don’t post up your past baggage.  We get it, you’ve gotten hurt and you’re looking for someone real.  However, posting on your page how you don’t want a girl who will play games makes it seem tacky.  I’m more of an optimistic person anyway, I will write off guys who’s pages bum me out.

Well that should give you a bit of a start, go out there, have fun, and date!

No it may not be as romantic as Must Love Dogs, or You’ve Got Mail, but online dating is still pretty cool 🙂

Is three company?

“The only threesome I’ve ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1” – Josh Stern

According to cosmopolitan, as of 2010 less than 10% of women have ever participated in a threesome.  25% of men said that they were not interested in having one while 33% of men say it’s their number one fantasy and they wish they could have one with their partner.

Have you ever been asked to participate in a threesome?

I try to play the “I’m always game for whatever type of girl” but when asked I totally dropped the ball.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?  WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH BY MYSELF?

Nothing… nothing at all I hope.

Which is probably always and was most definitely the case in this situation either.  It’s supposed to be fun, if they guy wants to replace you he’ll just leave you out.

To provide you all with where this is all is coming from I was recently asked by a  guy I have been hooking up with for the past month if we could have a threesome/foursome with our friends…  So now I’m in a bit of a problem here… do I keep up with his level of kinky sex or do I draw the line?

Threesomes in general are just confusing all the way around.  Perhaps it’s just me over thinking it like I do everything but I feel like there is a lot of etiquette to it.  If you’re a couple do you look the extra in the eyes?  Do they get the full experience as well or are they just there to add to what you do.  Do you go with an extra guy or girl?  Yeah you feel pretty confident with coming up with positions, but are you going to get performance anxiety and have no clue with who goes where?

This whole thing just seems a little too intimidating to me.

When it comes to picking the other person  you first need to decide, girl or guy?

In my eyes I would think that bringing in another guy would be a turn on.  Not like I want to see the two guys make out or anything, but I think it’d be fun to have two powerful men doing what the want.  However, after talking to some friends who have been in a threesome before both had experience with 2 girls and 2 guys.  They both agreed that having 2 girls is the way to go.  They said that there were more options when you bring in an extra girl.  Which really makes sense because now I picture my 2 guy threesome… definitely not crazy or something to turn me on.  Plus when you bring in another girl then you’re giving your guy the whole lesbian aspect, which come on… let’s be honest, dudes dig that!

However when it comes to picking another person, don’t you think we should draw the line at involving your friends.  The most recent request I have received in being in a threesome, well actually it would end up being a foursome. It with the guy I mentioned earlier with, and the other girl is my friend with the guy that she parties with and both the guys are friends as well.  The guy I sleep with, we’ll call him… John, his friend Will, and then my friend Theresa. Yes I know, terribly fake names, but I can’t just give you guys all the details.

In this situation, Will is not game for sharing a girl he kind of likes.  John is just okay with whatever, and I mean… literally whatever.  Theresa and I aren’t so okay with messing around with each other… or really in front of each other.

So now the four of us are in this awkward situation, at one point all of us have drunkingly agreed to this at least once, but when we sober up we realize no it won’t work… ever.

Every post drinking night morning I constantly finding myself thanking god that nothing happened.  However, if something should happen?  Does that change things?  Do I just go on acting as if everything is okay?  What if I can’t fake it?

Then what?

That’s kind of looking at it from a couple’s point of view though.  Or at least for me it is, what if you’re the extra person?  I have found myself talking to a couple that have asked me to join them.  At first I was flattered but was engaging in conversation with them only to figure out a polite way to say no…

Sorry I don’t want to have sex with you and your girlfriend just didn’t seem to work.

So I found myself talking to them more and more.  I explained my hesitations about planning a time to meet up with them. The couple always messaged me together and they would refer to themselves as “we.”  If I ever talked to just one it was usually the guy and he would let me know that it was just him.  They would explain to me how things would work.  He even offered to meet up with me, without her so the whole I’m sleeping with a stranger thing wasn’t doubled.  We’ve yet to do anything yet but they still message me.  They’re a very patient and lovely couple, I guess I could say that I lucked out when it comes to having a couple wanting you to join them!

I brought myself to ask them about how they do it, perhaps I could get some insight and allow myself to join in on my most recent offer.  One night when i was only talking to the guy in the relationship I explained to him how I feel jealous that a guy that I assume is turned on by my and should only want me when it’s between my friend or me and he wants my friend to be involved.  His only advice was that you absolutely have to be honest with your partner and that jealousy is just a natural part of that, then he proceeded to tell me about how they could have another person join them just the other night, then have amazing sex between the two of them.

Honesty?  That’s the answer to it all, just be honest?  In my situation who would I really owe the honesty to?   My fwb who’s not really even a friend he’s more like a gwiswwigoagd (guy who I sleep with when I go out and get drunk… seems a little long to me).  Or my friend being invited in to join.  Granted she always says no but I just can’t get the thought out of my head… what if?  Also what way am I supposed to be honest without sounding selfish.  “Hi, don’t be prettier, sexier, or better at anything than I am okay?”  or tell him “Don’t touch her, don’t look at her, don’t even like what she does.”  Now I’m thinking that will just take the fun out of everything.

So now I find myself sitting realizing that I am no closer to finding my answer than I was before, do I allow the opportunity for my friend to share my spot in his bed?

I think for now I’ll stick with my no, besides I’m a bed hog anyway 🙂

Sex?

Sex:  The pleasure is momentary, the position is ridiculous, and the expense damnable – Lord Chesterfield

Did you know that there is not one definition of the act of sex that majority of people can agree on?

The Marriam-Webster website defines coitus/sex acts as a consensual act performed with another for sexual gratification.

That’s it?  So anything we do with another person for pleasure means we’re having sex?  The issue with this definition and why everyone has such a hard time trying to define it is because of all the options we have when it comes to our “sexual gratification.”  What about oral sex?  When you bring someone home and they go down on you and that’s all that you guys do are you going to go back to your friends telling them that you had sex with whoever the other person is?  I know I definitely don’t.  In fact, if a night ends in only oral I’m more or less disappointed.  Also what about fingering, or the classic hand job?  Isn’t that what we did when we were younger to get as close to having sex as we could?  Now that’s considered as having sex?  Another interesting point I came across when I was looking for a definition is that sex depends on whether or not one orgasms.  Some definitions included an orgasm into sex, however others did not even take that into consideration.

I think that it’s funny that we can’t sit down and come up with a definition.  How is it that I can’t seem to come up with a few words to explain what exactly sex is, but we know when we’ve had it.

Maybe some of the reason we have such a hard time trying to define sex is because we can barely bring ourselves to discuss sex.

Ever since I was young sex was never discussed.  I did not grow up in a home that was trying to keep the children clean or parents who wanted to convince me that they were pure(they were far from that).  It was just a topic that you don’t talk about.  The only time that sex was talked about was when it was my time to receive the talk.  My mother sat me down.  Pulled out a book that she owned, why I will never know… but I prefer not to think about that!  It was filled with naked men and women having sex.  My mother told me what they were doing, why they doing it, what a naked guy looks like, what everything is called, how everything works.  I remember trying to wrap my mind around it all and trying so hard to memorize everything so I would seem smarter when it came time for me to start having sex.  If I had to pick one point in my life to go back and give myself some advice for my future it would be right after my mother finished that talk.  I would tell myself to just give up, that I will never in my life have a complete understanding of it all.  That no matter what I do, I will still endure those nights where I’m completely clueless.

It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I could talk about sex with a friend.  Once I got into college and I started getting around more I was able to share my crazy experiences with some of the most weirdest men you could meet.  When it came to just telling people stories I can tell anyone, however when it comes to discussing what I liked about those stories or what I wish would happen in sex I immediately lock up.  I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone either.  It was just the other night when a man I had hooked up with a few times before asked me what my fantasy was.  All I could tell him was that I didn’t know, he continued to try and pry one out of me, but I absolutely could not make myself say anything.   Really, it does not make sense that we don’t talk about sex.  I had a man basically asking what I want him to do with/to me and I couldn’t even get myself to do anything but look stupid, giggle, and blush.

I LITERALLY HAD A GUY OFFERING TO DO WHATEVER I WANTED… and I passed him up on that offer.

Why even bring all this up?

Well I realized the minute he finally gave up trying to get me to answer that I don’t want to be the girl playing coy anymore.  When I passed up his offering I realized that I might as well said “Oh good sex that I’m going to love and that I think about all the time?  No that’s okay.”  So this will be my way of opening up myself, and hopefully that I can help others as well.  Or at least entertain them, because hey, let’s be honest…  Who doesn’t enjoy a good sex chat every once in a while?

So to cap this off I figured I would throw in some interesting statistics I came across on MSNBC

  • The average erect penis is 5 to 7 inches long.  The average length is 3.5 inches when not erect.

Do you know how many times I’m asked about the size of my past partners?  Guys… stop caring so much, it’s not like we pull out a tape measure.  If you can make what you got work then we’re satisfied!

  • The average male loses his virginity at 16.9 years old, when the average female loses her at 14.7.

Dang girls… maybe we’re being a little too easy?  Nah, sucks for you guys though!

  • 75% of men report always having an orgasm during sex, where as only 29% of women did.

Okay guys, there you see it?  Yeah… fix that.

  • 2/3 of college students reported being in a “friends with benefits” relationship.  Over half of those that did claimed to have all forms of sex.  22.7% Said that they only had intercourse (just some P in the V), and 8% claimed to do everything but intercourse.

Okay, dear 8% what the hell is the point of your idea of “friends with benefits” quit being a prude and just put out already!

  • When surveying adults age 20-59.  Women reported having an average of 4 sex partners in their lifetime.  Where men reported having an average of 7.

Oh suuuuuure

All right that’s all folks, or at least all of the stats that I found interesting.  If you’d like to read more about this I’ll post the link below, it’s worth giving a look.

Hope you all have a great weekend and keep checking back, because I’ll probably post before the week is out!

SEX STATS

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37853719/ns/health-sexual_health/t/surprising-sex-statistics/#.UMW9htV32So